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Esteemed eligible bachelors of Maryland —
You just want to fuck, I know, me too. The trouble is, I find sex isn’t even tolerable unless I like the guy. Genuinely like him, as a person, and as someone who likes me back, or who can pretend to. So I guess I’m looking for something more steady than friends with benefits, fuckbuddies, or whatever other label we can invent to delude ourselves into thinking anonymous sex partners are instead some sort of personally satisfying social category. Sure we won’t be madly in love but we should treat each other much better than what we’re used to with these clowns.
All we need is a half-hour of conversation. A wildberry blunt and a beer. Tell me a childhood story, make out for a few, and show the merest minute of interest in my life, and I’m yours, for the night at least.
If it’s going to last past the morning, you’ll have to meet the following criteria, otherwise we’re just wasting our time, which is way too scarce as it is:
—Be smart. I’m getting a PhD and I’ll honestly just get bored with you.
—Be busy. That PhD takes up a lot of my time and I’ll feel guilty if you don’t have a career to put first too.
—Smoke weed on the daily. God gave us this plant for a reason. He also made people who disapprove of it appear hypocritical and pious, big turnoffs.
—Whatever your age, act three years older. Or ten. Shit I don’t care if you’re incontinent just please handle conflict like an adult.
—Have a personality, preferably one of your own creation.
—If you say the word OBAMACARE or FAGGOT or really even BITCH you’re not ready for big people talk. Please continue your sheltered life unmolested by me.
So if you can handle this many paragraphs of boring, think of what awaits you on the other side of your message: consistently above-average sex, by all accounts; devotion and attention that befits you; stability; meaningful conversations; and at last the possibility that two great people, of great mind and soul, might actually make each other very happy.
Ahh catharsis. Thanks for existing, Tumblerpillow!!
